Disgruntled Christians - Don't Give Them the Church Steering Wheel

Yes, folks, every church has them – those people who believe that the Universe should be configured exactly the way they want it.  If anything is not to their liking, they will raise “holy heck” to try to get their way.  And the question that indicates the health of your church is this:  How do you deal with chronically disgruntled Christians? 

I recently read an article on the Harvard Business Review site by Rosabeth Moss Kanter entitled “Nine Do's and Don'ts for Dealing with the Disgruntled.”  Her advice is directed toward the business community, but much of it applies to church life, too.  She shares,

Early in my career, when sharing a vacation house with a group of friends, I learned an important lesson from a classic book by anthropologist Mary Douglas, Purity and Danger: It takes a lot of people cooperating to keep things neat, but it takes only one disgruntled dirt-monger to mess things up. The task for everyone else is not to let them.

I’ve been amazed over the years at how quickly some churches, and church leaders, will cooperate with that one dirt-monger in the church who wants to “mess things up” for everyone else.  When a church or church leader believes that “everyone must be happy” in the church, they have empowered that one unhappy person to control the entire church… no matter how unhealthy, unbiblical, or selfish their perspective might be.

Jesus had no trouble allowing people to be very unhappy.  He let the Rich Young Ruler walk away unhappy.  Lord knows the Pharisees and other religious leaders walked away downright angry many times.  He even allowed his closest friends and followers to dwell in frustration with Him at times.  Jesus did not lead based on what made others happy, but what accomplished God’s great mission.  And when we do anything less, we trade the church’s mission and purpose for self-centeredness, even if the self-centeredness is not personally our own.

Any wise parent who has dealt with immaturity knows this:  you get more of the behavior you reward.  When we see that parent who gives in to their child’s temper tantrum in the toy store or on the candy aisle at the grocery store, we all know… They just taught their child that temper tantrums are effective tools for getting your way.  They just helped create a “family terrorist.”

Long ago, I made a promise to myself that I would do my best to NOT reward negative behavior in the church.  And I’d like to invite you to join me in that pledge.  Here are some practical ways to keep that pledge:

1. Stay focused on our life-changing mission.  Catering to complainers is a time-wasting and mission-killing distraction.   When that person begins demanding X, just ask, “Is X why God put us here?  Will X help us reach an unreached world?”  Or if they are complaining about Z, just ask, “Is Jesus as upset about Z as you are?”  And above all else, don’t stop the train.  You are on a God-given mission, a journey toward a goal.  If people don’t like where the train is going, we have to have the courage to tell them it’s OK for them to get off the train, but we’re not changing destinations. 

2. Respond with a positive story.  No, the complainer won’t care, but the other people standing around will leave with a positive picture in their minds that is more exciting than the negative one that the disgruntled person was presenting.  Compared to the stories of mission and generosity and sacrifice and love and hope that fill the life of most churches, most complaints are amazingly trivial.  By telling your positive story, you help put the complaint in context.  Doing this is also a way to obey Paul’s command to focus on “whatever is pure, honorable, pure, lovely, excellent, worthy of praise…” (Philippians 4:8).

3. Do not ever become their pawn.  Why are they telling you their complaint, rather than going to the person with whom they are upset?  Why are they telling the Sunday School class rather than bringing it up at the business meeting?  Because whiners, complainers, and dirt-mongers want others to do the dirty work for them.  If you refuse, if you just say, “Sounds like you need to talk to (person responsible),” it lets them know you won’t be their personal problem solver.   In other words, you’re saying to them, “Grow up and act like a responsible adult.”  This one change would dissolve 90% of church conflict. 

Also, don’t spend time telling their story for them.  If they want to spread their negativity, make them do it themselves rather than helping them.  The only exception to this is if you want to coach others in being ready for a positive response: “Fred is complaining about the Pastor’s purple tie again.  I told him that if God didn’t like purple, He shouldn’t have created crepe myrtles.  After that, he just walked away.”

4. Be assured that the real issue is not whatever they happen to be complaining about.  If you took those folks and plopped them down in another church, they’d just find new things to complain about.  And don’t think that church is the only thing they complain about.  There is some source of discontent deep down inside that is the real source of their complaints.  Maybe somewhere along the line (like in the candy aisle at the grocery store 50 years ago), they got the idea that the outside world should conform to their wants and wishes.  Ultimately, it’s the same sin as in Genesis 3 – “I want to be the real ‘God’ around here.”

The bottom line is that temper tantrums should not work in an organization whose agenda has been set by God Himself.  Loving people does not mean catering to them, as Jesus clearly demonstrated. 

When standing before a powerful and disgruntled group, Peter and John showed their commitment to God’s mission over human preferences when they said, “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God” (Acts 4:19).  What Rosabeth Kanter learned when sharing that beach house with friends is true of working together in the church: "It takes a lot of people cooperating to keep things neat, but it takes only one disgruntled dirt-monger to mess things up. The task for everyone else is not to let them."

Constitution Consternation

There are few aspects of church life that seem to produce more aggravation, conflict, and institutional paralysis than the Church Constitution.  I’ve waded my way through many of them over my years in ministry.  The typical church constitution and by-laws is a train wreck of clumsy language, inexplicable rules, and outdated structures.  When I read a church constitution, like an archeologist digging through the relics of the past, I can spot the old bones of previous church conflicts in which the church tried to legislate peace and harmony rather than doing the high and holy work of becoming “one in spirit and purpose” (as Paul says in Philippians 2).  And most of the rules are designed to prevent problems rather than accomplish a transforming mission.

I know some of us feel as if we'd like to chuck these extra man-made documents and just stick with the Bible, but there aren't any Scripture verses that tell us who is supposed to order the Bible study books and turn on the heat for Wednesday night activities.

Here at First Baptist in Wallace, it’s time to do a complete overhaul of our church’s Constitution and By-Laws.  We need a much simpler, more open structure that makes it clear what we’re trying to accomplish together, and how we plan to get there.

I believe that, before we list any officers, committees, or procedures, our constitution should contain a declaration of what values we want our organizational structure to champion.  Here’s my list of church-transforming values:

We value accomplishing God’s mission:
Our guiding documents should explain how each officer, team, committee, and program is expected to help us accomplish our shared mission.  If we can’t find a connection between that group and our mission, then that position or committee is a waste of our people’s energy, time, and God’s gifts, and it ought to be eliminated.

We value trust and openness:
Let’s select leaders whom we trust and respect, then set them free to make decisions under the leadership of the Holy Spirit.  Rather than requiring them to seek various levels of approval, rather than failing to trust them in how they use their budgets, we should only require that they keep us informed on how they are accomplishing their part of our shared mission.  And let's have leadership processes that are open and clear to everyone - no insider secrets, loopholes, and hidden processes.

We value accountability:

Every leader and team in the church exists to serve, not to rule.  As servants within the body, we need to be accountable to the body.  Teachers must effectively teach.  Deacons must faithfully minister.  Teams must accomplish their indispensable part of the mission.  So there should be very clear points within each position of responsibility at which those leaders and teams demonstrate that they are faithfully handling their part of our shared mission.  Servants need to know there is a time and a place to show what they've done with the Master’s entrusted talents.

We value growing new leaders:
Some churches have a very stagnant leadership structure.  Year after year, the same people control the same key parts of the church’s leadership structure, perpetuating the same perspectives.  Even in a rotating structure, they take their year off, and then end up right back in the same committee as the returning chairperson.  This stifles creativity, shuts out potential new leaders, and creates an unhealthy dependency.

Once we lay this foundation of values, then we'll know better how each leader and team should function in order to see these values lived out in the functioning of our part of Christ's body, the Church.

Do you have some foundational values that you think should shape and guide our structure?  Share them!

Teens: Fearful, Stressed, and Over 90% Lost

I'm preparing the Bible study for our Sunday night youth event.  The theme is "fear."  So as I research, I run across this statement:

Teenagers today are the most unreached people for Christ in the nation. Less than 10 percent of America's youths have accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior. (BuildingChurchLeaders.com)

That's shocking, sobering, and heartbreaking.  Out of 10 teens, on average only one of them knows Jesus.  This group of people who are at a point in their lives when they are making choices that will influence the course of their lives, who are forming the values that will shape their attitudes, their marriages, their parenting, their happiness... they are doing all of this without the benefit of God's grace, wisdom, truth, and guidance.

And as I read on, I see that they have some very real and legitimate fears they are wrestling with:

They fear that they will never have a happy marriage and family.  They want to find that person with whom they can spend a lifetime, but they don't see much reason for hope around them.

They fear that they will be a victim of violent crime.  Seeing the threats of terrorism, the closeness of gang violence, the reports of shootings even in high schools and on college campuses, and the many scenarios of violence portrayed on TV, they see violence as inescapable.

They fear that they will never achieve financial security.  The high unemployment rate, the college graduates who cannot get a job, reports on the quality of public education and the escalating cost of higher education, the highly competitive college application process and job market... all of these make them wonder if financial independence -- much less prosperity -- is something within their reach.

They fear rejection and loneliness.  "Will I be accepted?  Will I be loved?"  Many teenage girls question, "Will I have to have sex to be accepted?"  ...which, to me, is equivalent to "Can I only be accepted on the basis of providing sexual services?"  No wonder provocative clothing and obsession over body image is so prevalent among teens today.

We shouldn't be surprised that another study (here) finds that anxiety and stress-related disorders spike in these years.  And living in chronic fear as a teenager can result in someone living the rest of their lives as fearful adults.

And, all the while, we as God's people have help for these teens.  We have answers to these questions.  God provides us with the promises needed to live in a dangerous world, with the wisdom to make wise choices among so many options, with the assurance that He's working out His plan for us.  We have a faith to offer than can overcome their fears.  But we're not getting the job done.  Just 3 miles from our church's building is a high school full of hundreds of the most unreached people in our nation who are dealing with some of the most life-changing questions they will ever face.

Jeremiah looked at the terrible spiritual condition of his people, and the potential blessings that were waiting for them.  He compared it to everyone being sick in a place (Gilead) where healing medicine was readily available, and he wrote (Jeremiah 8:21-22):

     I hurt with the hurt of my people.
         I mourn and am overcome with grief.
     Is there no medicine in Gilead?
         Is there no physician there?
     Why is there no healing
         for the wounds of my people?

Are there no answers for the teenagers of Wallace?  Is there no light for their darkness?  Is there no guidance to remedy their lostness and searching?  There most certainly is.  It's found in Christ -- His love and grace, His acceptance and purpose, His truth and peace.

Lord, set us on fire with a passion to share the healing medicine of Christ with the hurting teenagers all around us.  

Post-Debate Head-Deflate

We just finished watching the Vice-Presidential Debate, and it made one powerful, completely non-partisan impression on me.  This political contest, and most of the contests I witness today, throw around such a tidal wave of conflicting statistics, conflicting cost figures, self-serving government-speak terminology, conflicting timelines, and unverifiable personal experiences -- which are then filtered through various media outlets who have their own preferred interpretation -- that the average viewer / voter has little hope of knowing the whole story.  We can only pick a sampling of claims, check them as closely as possible, and then extrapolate that veracity to the rest of the issues and to the honesty of the candidates themselves.  And it seems to be common practice for candidates to tell you only the part of the story that furthers their position, when knowing the whole picture makes their statement much less persuasive.

It reminds me of a commercial on TV right now where a spokesperson sits next to a stack of "survey results" (i.e. poorly stacked copy paper) about 5000 sheets high and she says, "We asked doctors if they would recommend a low calorie energy drink for their patients who use energy drinks.  They said 'yes,' so buy our drink!"  But my translation of that is, "We asked doctors if their patients should consume more junk calories or less junk calories.  They said 'less,' and we want you to think that means they like what we're selling."

I don't really have a political point to make, but it does make me wonder: When those outside the church hear us talking about our faith, do they hear us "spinning" things to cover over the questions we can't answer, the doubts that even believers struggle with, our failures at trying to live by a standard that is humanly impossible?  Do they feel confident, when we invite them to "vote with their lives" for following Jesus, that we haven't hidden the struggles and difficulties, and only presented the "perks"?  If I do that, like some Politician for God, as they stare at the thick Bible which may or may not verify my claims, shouldn't I expect them to just write me off?

I guess, as a spokesman for my Savior, the answer is up to me.  Lord, I don't want to talk anyone out of following You, but I want to be honest about the blessings and struggles of the journey.  You didn't sugar-coat things or hide the challenges, so why would we?  Help me listen to the Spirit of Truth as He shines His light on the words I say.

The Second Largest "Religious Group" in America

The word is out today (http://www.pewforum.org/Unaffiliated/nones-on-the-rise.aspx) that a new category has become the second largest religious group in America - bigger than Methodists, bigger than Southern Baptists, and getting close to being half as big as all Protestants put together.  What is this fast-growing group that more and more Americans are identifying with?  Its name is "None."

The story is also reported in USA Today: http://m.usatoday.com/article/news/1618445.

When asked about their religious affiliation, now 1 in 5 Americans say they identify with no religion at all.  These are not atheists.  These are not agnostics.  Those two groups have their own categories, and they aren't even close to the size of those who check "None."  The number of people who check "None" as their religious preference has grown 5% in the last 5 years.  To me, this is staggering.

Who are these people checking "no religious affiliation"?  They are people who claim to have their own faith - they describe themselves as "spiritual" - but they've given up on the church.  They are people who see the church as being too self-absorbed, too focused on internal politics, on self-preservation, and not on the needs of the world around us.

The younger the person surveyed, the more likely they checked "no religious affiliation."  For adults under 30 years of age, 1 in 3 chose this category.  Folks, we are losing the youngest generations!

1% growth per year!

Currently, on any given Sunday morning, only 17-18% of the population is in church.  So now, on a typical Sunday, the number of people who are gathered to worship is smaller than the number of people who have given up on the church.

How do we fix this?  How can we respond?  What we do together as a church must be about Christ and not about us.  We have got to care more about the people we're failing to reach than we do about being comfortable and satisfied.  Satan is winning this war, and it seems to often that we're happy to cooperate with his plan to make the church seem irrelevant as we discuss buildings and furniture and traditions while neglecting people who live in spiritual darkness and pay the price every day.